Our Life on the Funny Pages

Bumstead! What a God Damned dirtbag! As you can see in this incident, he left home at quitting time. Who leaves home at quitting time? Quitters and losers, that's who!

What the hell?? I NEVER put my family before my company. I bet you think this devotion to work may have caused my wife to leave me. HA HA! Think again, buster. She doesn't like me very much, and is happy I'm not around very often.

So here's another J.C. Dithers' management tip: Marry someone you can't stand. Then, work is preferable to home, and you will happily spend more time at the office. More time at the office equals better performance, better promotions, better pay. This sitting at the dinner table and talking to your family is way over-rated.

The Marines say that if you were supposed to have a wife, the Marine Corps would have issued you one. That's good advice.

Now stop messing around on the Internet -- GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!

Law be! It's been a good long time since I've posted, but I just haven't had much time with the grandchildren lately. I did go shopping with them a few weeks ago:

"PLEASE, Grandma? Pretty please? With sugar on it? And whipped cream? With a cherry on top?"

OK, Dolly loses points big time because of this. You may think my problem is with the whining and begging. And, yes, that's part of the problem. So, minus one to Dolly, Jeffy, AND P.J.

I normally would subtract more points for the begging, but I do share some of the blame in just stopping right outside the "Sugar Bowl." That was not smart of me, now was it? In my defense, I didn't think that this was a candy store. I thought it was one of the BCS games -- the one played in New Orleans, traditionally with an SEC team. And, while I'm at it: isn't the BCS a total disaster? My dearly departed husband would not like that at ALL! The way the computers have taken over the polls and rankings -- I'm afraid progress sometimes isn't "all that" as the kids would say. Or how the Rose Bowl is no longer always PAC-10 vs. Big 10 -- sacrilege! But, I feel I am getting off track.

Anyhow, the reason Dolly loses major points? Is the fact that her whining? Always ends with a question? There's nothing that grates on my nerves more! It seems endemic with the young women of today. It makes them sound insecure and unsure of themselves. No confidence whatsoever. I find it most prevalent in teenage girls, and it bothers me to no end that Dolly is starting so early. What is Thelma teaching that girl? So, minus two additional points for Dolly.

The standings when I last posted were as follows:
Billy 11
Dolly 7
P.J. 5
Jeffy negative 1

As of this shopping incident they are:
Billy 11
Dolly 4
P.J. 4
Jeffy negative 2.

I hate my mother too. After all, the hag married me off to Hagar. But I love her new hat. What a great hat! I've never seen her wear such a nice hat.

Anyway, she did much better by my sisters. One of them married that Macbeth guy who settled in Scotland. She got to be a queen, eventually. She's got this thing about washing her hands, but you know, she was always one horn short of a good hat, if you get my drift.

My other sister married into bona fide royalty in Denmark. She has a fine son named Hamlet, just like my son. They're both named after a profilgate uncle of ours. I was sorry to hear that her husband passed away last year, but she married his brother Claudius right away, so I'm sure that things will work out for the best for her.

Hello. Odie here. Ok, this one was kind of fun to do. Fortunately I didn't have to do it too many times to get it right...


... and yes, that "rug" is a special stuntman's cushion. Garfield got the easy part this time, he just had to walk on and act as narrator.

I should note that it is a good thing that cartoons do not have blooper reels. I fell on my face the first time and the second time the cushion bounced a little bit. The third time was interrupted by a small airplane flying overhead from “Mark Trail.” We finally got it the fourth take! Whew. In the meantime the cast of “Mutts” was next door, heckling. Mooch kept yelling “Schpin the dog! Schpin the dog!” and I had a hard time not snickering. Mooch is even funnier off panel than he is when he’s on. He gets invited to a lot of studio parties just because he can liven up most any crowd. And yes, the speech impediment is real. Earl is more laid back but you can’t beat his homemade dog treats he brings for the cast and crew.

This week, as you may have noticed, is “Garfield’s Birthday” week, so we have 5 or 6 days of “aging” jokes to look forward to reading. I fully anticipate at least one lasagna joke mixed into the batch. I’m not sure if Nermel will make an appearance or not. He’s been in rehab again and he may not get a furlough for his usual birthday week guest shot. The poor guy got hooked on painkillers some years back. Then Davis caught him huffing the paint thinner in his office and he got shipped off to Betty Ford’s cartoon branch. He’ll sober up, swear he’s a new cat, then he backslides again. Bill the Cat has been his sponsor but even he hasn’t been able to keep Nermel on the program.

I think Step 4, the fearless inventory, is Nermel’s biggest stumbling block so far. That seems to be the hardest step for a lot of cartoons working the 12 Steps. Of course, some cartoons have trouble even admitting they have a problem (cough Marmaduke cough) but doing an inventory seems to be especially difficult. I am not certain why. Perhaps it’s the fear of looking back over all those clippings and realizing just how many bad jokes you had to do in your career. We can’t all be Snoopy where most every gag was a gem. We all have episodes we regret doing. I am not proud of the “chase my own tail” gags, which seem only to perpetuate an old, old joke. When you’ve been doing this for decades you accumulate a lot of embarrassing moments and I suspect a lot of characters just can’t face the embarrassment. For the record, I neither drink nor smoke, but I do have to watch my weight and I must ration my doggie treats or else I’ll gobble down an entire box at one sitting. We all have our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. That may be my Calvinist upbringing talking, however.

Until next time,


Yours,

Odie

Things have been kind of quiet in these here parts, but I thought you all could use some more of J.C. Dithers' management tips. You'd have to pay good money in some sort of namby pamby management seminar to get stuff like this, and now it's free to you just for visiting "Our Life on the Funny Pages!"

For the purposes of this management workshop, I present the following scenario:


By just dismissing Bumstead out of hand, I did not need to spend precious time considering whatever it was he was going to say. Additionally, if you use this "pre-emptive no" enough, your employees will stop asking you for anything. No more squirrely questions like "Can I have a raise?" or "Can I have Monday off? My wife is having a baby."

I find that the pre-emptive no is one of the best tools to have in your management tool box. And I know from tools, let me tell you!

Be careful, though. If you are a novice at the pre-emptive no, it may backfire. For instance, your employee comes in. You use the pre-emptive no, but your employee says, "Boss, I was going to ask if I could work this weekend -- for no extra money." In fact, your more sly employees might say something like this in response to the pre-empitve no. What do you do?YOU ARE THE BOSS! You have the perogative to change your mind. So, you say, "Well, in that case, Employee X, I reverse my decision. Come in this weekend and work on your TPS reports."

Never let your employees gain the upper hand. You are the boss.

And, in response to all the comments I am sure you fellow bloggers will have: NO. (It works in all fields of human endeavor, see)

Secretary Rumsfeld has been "transforming the military." One of his things is to make the military run more like a business. Let me tell you! That drives Gen. Halftrack bonkers!!! He doesn't have any idea what any of these terms like "Six Sigma," "think outside the box," "synergy," or "paradigm shift" mean. He feels completely out of his league!

I'm starting to think Gen Halftrack doesn't like Rumsfeld! He would NEVER say that right out -- if he did, I'm sure his career would be 000-ver. But, he really doesn't fit in well with this "new" military. For that matter, no one at Camp Swampy really does, except our new guy, Gizmo. Sgt. Snorkel? Forget it! Lt Fuzz seems to like Rumsfeld's ideas, but he's kind of a brown noser!

I hope I'm not giving you the wrong idea about these guys. I hope you don't think they aren't patriotic or don't love the U.S.A! They totally do! So do I, and we also 100% support the troops. I know a lot of people think that when you say critical things about Secretary Rumsfeld or President Bush that means you don't love America. But I totally love America! And I always thought it was American to be able to question or criticize.

So, I am just glad to have this blog so I can say things like this without worrying about my job, you know?? I voted for Bush in 2000, so I'm not totally one of those loony Democrats or anything grody like that. Plus, I think the guys here, even though they are being left a little behind by the new military, a lot of them still voted for Bush, too. So, PLEASE don't get the wrong idea.

Gosh! I hope it's OK I said a few critical things!

God bless the U.S.A!!!!!!

XOXOXO!

Hugs and kisses from Camp Swampy!

life is sad