Our Life on the Funny Pages

Family! Bah Humbug!

2005-07-10T16:44:00.000-05:00

Bumstead! What a God Damned dirtbag! As you can see in this incident, he left home at quitting time. Who leaves home at quitting time? Quitters and losers, that's who!

What the hell?? I NEVER put my family before my company. I bet you think this devotion to work may have caused my wife to leave me. HA HA! Think again, buster. She doesn't like me very much, and is happy I'm not around very often.

So here's another J.C. Dithers' management tip: Marry someone you can't stand. Then, work is preferable to home, and you will happily spend more time at the office. More time at the office equals better performance, better promotions, better pay. This sitting at the dinner table and talking to your family is way over-rated.

The Marines say that if you were supposed to have a wife, the Marine Corps would have issued you one. That's good advice.

Now stop messing around on the Internet -- GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!

The Granddaddy of Them All

2005-07-04T11:44:00.000-05:00

Law be! It's been a good long time since I've posted, but I just haven't had much time with the grandchildren lately. I did go shopping with them a few weeks ago:

"PLEASE, Grandma? Pretty please? With sugar on it? And whipped cream? With a cherry on top?"

OK, Dolly loses points big time because of this. You may think my problem is with the whining and begging. And, yes, that's part of the problem. So, minus one to Dolly, Jeffy, AND P.J.

I normally would subtract more points for the begging, but I do share some of the blame in just stopping right outside the "Sugar Bowl." That was not smart of me, now was it? In my defense, I didn't think that this was a candy store. I thought it was one of the BCS games -- the one played in New Orleans, traditionally with an SEC team. And, while I'm at it: isn't the BCS a total disaster? My dearly departed husband would not like that at ALL! The way the computers have taken over the polls and rankings -- I'm afraid progress sometimes isn't "all that" as the kids would say. Or how the Rose Bowl is no longer always PAC-10 vs. Big 10 -- sacrilege! But, I feel I am getting off track.

Anyhow, the reason Dolly loses major points? Is the fact that her whining? Always ends with a question? There's nothing that grates on my nerves more! It seems endemic with the young women of today. It makes them sound insecure and unsure of themselves. No confidence whatsoever. I find it most prevalent in teenage girls, and it bothers me to no end that Dolly is starting so early. What is Thelma teaching that girl? So, minus two additional points for Dolly.

The standings when I last posted were as follows:
Billy 11
Dolly 7
P.J. 5
Jeffy negative 1

As of this shopping incident they are:
Billy 11
Dolly 4
P.J. 4
Jeffy negative 2.

Helga's Journal, June 1005

2005-06-24T23:11:00.000-05:00

I hate my mother too. After all, the hag married me off to Hagar. But I love her new hat. What a great hat! I've never seen her wear such a nice hat.

Anyway, she did much better by my sisters. One of them married that Macbeth guy who settled in Scotland. She got to be a queen, eventually. She's got this thing about washing her hands, but you know, she was always one horn short of a good hat, if you get my drift.

My other sister married into bona fide royalty in Denmark. She has a fine son named Hamlet, just like my son. They're both named after a profilgate uncle of ours. I was sorry to hear that her husband passed away last year, but she married his brother Claudius right away, so I'm sure that things will work out for the best for her.

ERP

2005-06-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

Hello. Odie here. Ok, this one was kind of fun to do. Fortunately I didn't have to do it too many times to get it right...

... and yes, that "rug" is a special stuntman's cushion. Garfield got the easy part this time, he just had to walk on and act as narrator.

I should note that it is a good thing that cartoons do not have blooper reels. I fell on my face the first time and the second time the cushion bounced a little bit. The third time was interrupted by a small airplane flying overhead from “Mark Trail.” We finally got it the fourth take! Whew. In the meantime the cast of “Mutts” was next door, heckling. Mooch kept yelling “Schpin the dog! Schpin the dog!” and I had a hard time not snickering. Mooch is even funnier off panel than he is when he’s on. He gets invited to a lot of studio parties just because he can liven up most any crowd. And yes, the speech impediment is real. Earl is more laid back but you can’t beat his homemade dog treats he brings for the cast and crew.

This week, as you may have noticed, is “Garfield’s Birthday” week, so we have 5 or 6 days of “aging” jokes to look forward to reading. I fully anticipate at least one lasagna joke mixed into the batch. I’m not sure if Nermel will make an appearance or not. He’s been in rehab again and he may not get a furlough for his usual birthday week guest shot. The poor guy got hooked on painkillers some years back. Then Davis caught him huffing the paint thinner in his office and he got shipped off to Betty Ford’s cartoon branch. He’ll sober up, swear he’s a new cat, then he backslides again. Bill the Cat has been his sponsor but even he hasn’t been able to keep Nermel on the program.

I think Step 4, the fearless inventory, is Nermel’s biggest stumbling block so far. That seems to be the hardest step for a lot of cartoons working the 12 Steps. Of course, some cartoons have trouble even admitting they have a problem (cough Marmaduke cough) but doing an inventory seems to be especially difficult. I am not certain why. Perhaps it’s the fear of looking back over all those clippings and realizing just how many bad jokes you had to do in your career. We can’t all be Snoopy where most every gag was a gem. We all have episodes we regret doing. I am not proud of the “chase my own tail” gags, which seem only to perpetuate an old, old joke. When you’ve been doing this for decades you accumulate a lot of embarrassing moments and I suspect a lot of characters just can’t face the embarrassment. For the record, I neither drink nor smoke, but I do have to watch my weight and I must ration my doggie treats or else I’ll gobble down an entire box at one sitting. We all have our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. That may be my Calvinist upbringing talking, however.

Until next time,

Yours,

Odie

Lesson 1: The Pre-Emptive No

2005-06-13T13:54:00.000-05:00

Things have been kind of quiet in these here parts, but I thought you all could use some more of J.C. Dithers' management tips. You'd have to pay good money in some sort of namby pamby management seminar to get stuff like this, and now it's free to you just for visiting "Our Life on the Funny Pages!"

For the purposes of this management workshop, I present the following scenario:

By just dismissing Bumstead out of hand, I did not need to spend precious time considering whatever it was he was going to say. Additionally, if you use this "pre-emptive no" enough, your employees will stop asking you for anything. No more squirrely questions like "Can I have a raise?" or "Can I have Monday off? My wife is having a baby."

I find that the pre-emptive no is one of the best tools to have in your management tool box. And I know from tools, let me tell you!

Be careful, though. If you are a novice at the pre-emptive no, it may backfire. For instance, your employee comes in. You use the pre-emptive no, but your employee says, "Boss, I was going to ask if I could work this weekend -- for no extra money." In fact, your more sly employees might say something like this in response to the pre-empitve no. What do you do?YOU ARE THE BOSS! You have the perogative to change your mind. So, you say, "Well, in that case, Employee X, I reverse my decision. Come in this weekend and work on your TPS reports."

Never let your employees gain the upper hand. You are the boss.

And, in response to all the comments I am sure you fellow bloggers will have: NO. (It works in all fields of human endeavor, see)

Land of the Free!! Home of the Brave!!

2005-06-05T20:13:00.000-05:00

Secretary Rumsfeld has been "transforming the military." One of his things is to make the military run more like a business. Let me tell you! That drives Gen. Halftrack bonkers!!! He doesn't have any idea what any of these terms like "Six Sigma," "think outside the box," "synergy," or "paradigm shift" mean. He feels completely out of his league!

I'm starting to think Gen Halftrack doesn't like Rumsfeld! He would NEVER say that right out -- if he did, I'm sure his career would be 000-ver. But, he really doesn't fit in well with this "new" military. For that matter, no one at Camp Swampy really does, except our new guy, Gizmo. Sgt. Snorkel? Forget it! Lt Fuzz seems to like Rumsfeld's ideas, but he's kind of a brown noser!

I hope I'm not giving you the wrong idea about these guys. I hope you don't think they aren't patriotic or don't love the U.S.A! They totally do! So do I, and we also 100% support the troops. I know a lot of people think that when you say critical things about Secretary Rumsfeld or President Bush that means you don't love America. But I totally love America! And I always thought it was American to be able to question or criticize.

So, I am just glad to have this blog so I can say things like this without worrying about my job, you know?? I voted for Bush in 2000, so I'm not totally one of those loony Democrats or anything grody like that. Plus, I think the guys here, even though they are being left a little behind by the new military, a lot of them still voted for Bush, too. So, PLEASE don't get the wrong idea.

Gosh! I hope it's OK I said a few critical things!

God bless the U.S.A!!!!!!

XOXOXO!

Hugs and kisses from Camp Swampy!

2005-06-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

life is sad

Are cell phones REALLY edible?

2005-05-31T06:22:00.000-05:00

Hello again. Just a short note or two. This cartoon was based on a real incident that occurred in the studio's cafeteria last week. In reality it was the cook's contact lenses, which, frankly, isn't really funny. Neither is this cartoon but at least it had a punch line; "ringing in my ears."

The people in the strip are based on actual people as well. The waitress is the real waitress at the cafeteria. She's a hoot (she knows every joke ever written that starts with “a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar”) and she is actually quite good at her job. People make an effort to be seated in her station because they know that their drink will never be empty and their food will be served fast. Some of the newer employees will try to sit where they can be served by one of the college interns, who are always cute, but sometimes their service is iffy. When you have exactly 30 minutes for lunch fast service becomes more important than flirting with the 20 year old cute waitress.

The man at the far left is one of the script writers for “Garfield”. I am afraid he is a bit burned out. He started writing for "Grin and Bear It" back in the early 1960s, then moved on to "Broom Hilda" for awhile. He does tell some fascinating stories about long gone cartoonists, however.

The lady next to him is a costume designer for King Features. She doesn't talk much to the characters. She used to be a buyer for Wanamaker's and then got into cartoon costume designing after meeting Walt Kelly at a ban-the-bomb rally in 1962. I do wonder why she is looking for the phone in her coffee cup, since the cook lost his phone and the cook usually doesn't pour the coffee.

The man at the far right is a staffer for “Marmaduke” who happened to be eating lunch when this scene was drawn. I can’t say much about him as I do not know him well, but he did get a call on his walkie talkie during his lunch telling him he had to go clean up a “mess” that Marmaduke had made on the set. I don’t want to get catty (bad joke intended) but let’s just say that Marmaduke’s ego is comparable in scale to the rest of him and he uses the set as his personal bathroom. One day Earl from “Mutts” had a bit too much to drink and actually told Marmaduke that no one likes him and that his strip simply is not funny. Fortunately Otto from “Beatle Bailey” stepped in before Marmaduke could squash Earl! Telling the truth can be dangerous at times.

Well, that’s all for now. I have a new stunt coming up soon and I have to go practice. Davis is starting to get "that look" he has when it's time for an "abuse the dog" series.

Yours,

Odie

Reason #427: Why Bumstead Will Never Get a Raise

2005-05-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

First the good news: We surpassed our earnings estimates for last quarter! HA! I told all you nimrods who thought adding machines, easels with posterboard, and midlevel employees with large offices were "out of place in a 21st Century workplace." Suckers! Spending all that extra money on "laptops," "cubicles," and "PowerPoint" got you what, exactly? That's right - not meeting your earnings estimates. Meanwhile, here at J.C. Dithers Corp., we are getting along just fine, thank you very much. So you can keep your raspberries, or boysenberries, or whatever the hell it is you all have these days. We're doing just fine.

That said, it looks like Bumstead may have some bad news to share. I guess that's why he's praying. Or, maybe he's just praying that when considering what to do with our surplus I give him a raise! HA HA HA! Not in a million years, Bumstead.

Really, I have no idea what he means when he says "I'll be at my desk praying." I guess it's one of the two options mentioned above (that he needs God's help on some bad news OR he is praying for a raise). Don't you think he should have been a little more clear? Now I'm just left wondering. If it is bad news, shouldn't he just try to fix it on his own? What is sitting on his duff going to do about it?

And he wonders why I never give him a raise. Here's a clue, Bumstead: don't say nonsensical and ambiguous things to your boss.

Gross Sex Thoughts

2005-05-22T11:33:00.000-05:00

When I first got this job, I couldn't understand why my boss kept making passes at me. I mean, OMG! He's so old, like, I so totally would never go out with him. As if! Once I met his wife, though, I had it all figured out.

Now, Gen. Halftrack is not a looker, that's for sure. But he is the OIC of Camp Swampy! I just think a man that powerful should get a hotter wife. Alan Greenspan's not good looking, but he's head of the Federal Reserve, and Andrea Mitchell's not bad.

Anyway, when I first saw Mrs. Halftrack, my jaw dropped! She's got a beer belly, old lady hair, and saggy boobs. She seems very grandmotherly, so I just thought she'd not aged well. I wonder why she hasn't had any work done. The Halftracks could afford it, and it would probably be better for the General's career if his wife looked better at fancy parties and stuff.

I thought she was probably very sweet and dear. Then she opened her mouth. Not only is she terrible looking, but she's also mean as a snake! I mean, just the other day she yelled at him to get his own cofee. Yeah, I get irritated sometimes always getting his coffee, but I get paid for it, so no biggie. I don't know why she had to get so bent out of shape over it. He wasn't talking to her, anyway.

No wonder Gen. Halftrack's always putting the moves on me.

I know it's like totally gross, but sometimes I wonder about their sex life. I mean, do they ever "do it?" GROSS. But, still, I get this mental image, and can't stop thinking about it. EWWW. See, now I am doing it again. I think the Gen has to be on top, or she'd crush him. They don't seem all that affectionate, so maybe they don't have sex. That's a better thing to think about anyway.

XOXOXOX!
Hugs and kisses from Camp Swampy!

Helga's Journal, midnight

2005-05-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

The man can only count to 10 and a half, if you know what I mean.

One of the things I hate about living away from civilization is the total lack of ambient light. You can't see anything at night around here. And that damn cheap Hagar won't even light a candle out in the hallway for when one of the kids needs to use the little Viking's room. All we have to see by at night are these word balloons. If we need to find an extra blanket, we have to say so or we're trapped in total darkness. It's almost like I don't exist, like my creator (Odin) went golfing or something....

Man of the cloth vs. Man of the tattered brown toga

2005-05-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

By the time kindly Brother Olaf had explained himself, Hagar was on the front stoop demanding candles, and lots of them. Unfortunately for Olaf, he had none. Even more unfortunately for Olaf, Hagar hates it when people promise him something and don't deliver (I got the beating of a lifetime when I told him I was going to order a delivery pizza, then went back on that after realizing they don't exist yet). Add to that the fact that this guy was preaching Christianity, and you've got yourself one hell of a potent concoction.

So Hagar runs in and grabs his sword and Olaf just stands there. I thought for sure he was going to be sliced, diced, and...individually priced, but apparently priests today are very well-versed in hand-to-hand combat. A spinning leg sweep had Hagar on his back, and a low roundhouse followed, knocking Hagar's sword from his hand. They really got into it then. At one point Olaf had Hagar in a half nelson, and Hagar started screaming, "EDDIE! HELP ME, EDDIE!" What was I to do? I got a big rock and threw it at Olaf, but he moved at the last second and it hit Hagar in the head. Luckily he still had his helmet on, but he was pretty worse for wear. To his credit, Olaf didn't attack unless it was in self-defense, so with Hagar on bended knee gasping for air, he high-tailed it out of there before Helga heard the commotion (And lucky for him, because she usually beats Hagar in a fight). Eventually Hagar passed out for a little while and I went in and had some pie. When he came to and asked me about the rock, I told him Olaf hit him with a bible when he wasn't looking. I think he believed me.

Oh, about that island we were stranded on last time I wrote? Turns out it wasn't an island, but the top of a really, really big fish. I guess it must not have been friends with the (comparatively small) fish I killed and ate, because it eventually gave me and Hagar a ride home. I named him Stanley!

Helga's Journal, May 18

2005-05-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

May 18, 1005

I am feeling depressed again today. I think it is due to the constant black background in my surroundings. Everywhere I go, I see a black background with a white semi-circle dome entrapping me. Even outside, there is no escape from the monotony of the dome. I hear nothing but the squawking sound of the w-birds. You know, the birds that look just like upside-down w's. They have been around since the "BC" days. I wish I could be alive in the future time when the w-birds are made extinct by actual birds drawn by better cartoonists. I am in the Dark Ages indeed.

Haircuts and Bowling.

2005-05-17T17:12:00.000-05:00

Tuesday's strip reminded me that I wanted to discuss how we amuse ourselves at the (cartoon) syndicates. First off, let’s take care of business and look at today’s strip.

This is another Garfield joke where two of the three panels are padding. Ok, Jon is doing a “slow burn” in the first two panels. Fine, I understand that. However, it works as well if you just look at the final panel. Compare that to today’s “Pearls Before Swine.” PBS has a silly joke, but it also has a setup. Actually, PBS works as well with just the first wo panels, the third panel is an extra bonus. That’s the difference between a craftsman (PBS) and cranking out the ol strip to make tee-time (Garfield).

To return to the question at hand, what do we do to stay amused when we’re not on stage? We do keep busy, and NOT giving haircuts. There is always a poker game going somewhere. Most are temporary; a bunch of characters (and I mean that in several meanings of the word) get together with some snacks, a deck of card, some poker chips and play. There is one permanent game, however, that has been going on the back lot of King Features for decades. No one knows exactly when it started. Legend says that it was started by the cast of “Krazy Kat” one evening and never stopped. Apparently it didn’t even stop the morning of December 7, 1941; Pearl Harbor. They just brought a radio into the room to listen and kept going. It’s usually a fairly low stakes game so even the most minor of supporting characters can join, but larger pots have been known to exchange hands when it’s just the heavy hitters playing. Trust me, when it’s Dagwood, Linus, and Hi (from Hi and Lois) at the table, nickel bets are out. They all have royalties to spare so expensive sports cars and beachfront property have been won or lost at their games! I am strictly a nickel and dime player. Apparently I have a “tell.” I wag my tail ever so slightly when I try to bluff, so large stakes games are off limits for me.

There is also a bowling league that’s been going for decades. Steve Canyon founded it for those characters serving in World War II (or “the Big One” as he ALWAYS called it!). It expanded in the 1950s to the non-military strips, and is still going. Teams tend to be organized by friendships, rather than by employer. For example, the powerhouse team the past few years has been the “Galloping Geezers” (not their real name, just a nickname.) It has the grandfathers from Boondocks, Pickles, One Big Happy, and Gran, the grandmother from 9 Chickweed Lane. My God, those guys are sharks! The grandfather from Boondocks averages well over 200 and the guy from Pickles can pick up a 7-10 split without working up a sweat. Gran only averages about 120, but she is a master at playing mind games on the opposing team. When you’re playing against her by the 6th frame you’re wondering if you should run out to call your mother to tell her you love her and your mind isn’t on the game. In contrast to the Geezers, Zippy is on a team with 3 cows retired from the “Far Side” and they’re perpetually in the basement, to a large degree because 1. it’s hard to bowl with hooves and 2. Zippy keeps wandering off to talk to the ball washer. What a pinhead!

That’s all I have time for today. I am meeting my book group in an hour. Zebra from PBS is leading us through Veblen’s “The Theory of the Leisure Class.” I think Veblen placed too much emphasis on a rigid demarcation of gender roles in his analysis of overt status symbols and neglected to consider the dynamics of same-gendered interpersonal family relations, but I’m sure Vern from “Over the Hedge” will disagree, again. Besides, if I am late the Dad from “Zits” will hog all the pizza.

Yours,

Odie

"New" tenants! Sheesh!

2005-05-15T16:41:00.000-05:00

Howdy Folks!

"Deanna" Patterson here, reporting from our new (and newly sanitized, I might add) apartment! It's been a while since we "chatted" but you know how it is!

Gosh, the last few "days" have been hectic. Not only have I been busy cleaning and cooking and doing "Michael's" laundry, we've got trouble in "the" form of our new, downstairs neighbors, the Kelpfroths.

Heck, we hadn't been in here a "whole" day when "they" started causing trouble. Every time we make the littlest bit of noise they're banging on the ceiling. Take the other "night" for example. Mike "and" I were ... Mike and I were ... well, sharing our "tenderness" together and "next" thing you know, they were thumping away! It really broke Mike's "concentration" (again!) so I ended up taking a nice, long "hot" bath with the showerhead. Fifteen "minutes" into it and those so-and-sos started whacking away again!

I ignored them, but the next "morning" Mrs. Kelpfroth showed up at my door. "Look, Mrs. Patterson," she said. "I don't want to start things off on the wrong foot, but your bedroom is right over ours. Please get that bed fixed so we don't have to hear every last thing that goes on."

Gosh, was MY face red! I stammered something about sure, we'd fix it right away and said I was "sorry." It should have ended there, but she went on.

"And could I ask you to limit your baths and showers to once or twice a day instead of the four or five time I hear you in there?" she said. "You're using up all the hot water!"

Well! I sure got a bee in my "bonnet" over THAT! Honestly, I got so mad I'm not sure what I said except it was something about how it was the only way I could relax and get rid of my "frustrations" and I had "needs" too, didn't anyone care? Well, whatever I said must have been effective because she sort of backed away from me, though as she was running away she said something about keeping Merrie away from the stairs because if she heard her falling down them again she was going to call the authorities. Whatever, Mrs. Grouchpants!

Anywho, that's what's going on here with us. Off to take relaxing hot bath number eight, with a new book from my "favorite" author, Selena St. Amour. It's called "Highlander's Hussy," fifth in the MacAllister series and I can't wait to see what romantic mischief handsome, grey-eyed Collum MacAllister gets up to with that impetuous, independent English Heiress, Byrony Althorp!

"Toodles!"

"Dee"

The Rythm Method: Not 100% Effective

2005-05-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

"You're a better story reader than Daddy. He skips pages."

Well, I had to subtract a point from Dolly for ass kissing, and, to be fair, I will have to do the same for Jeffy. That puts Jeffy at negative 3. But, he gets one point for listening to my story and another point for for pointing out one of Bil's failures.

I can't believe my son skips pages when reading to his children! I know what he'll say when I bring it up: "Mom, when you have four little ones, sometimes you have to cut corners." I say "You should have thought of that before you and Thel got busy creating all these kids. It doesn't happen by magic, you know." Although, I blame Thel for that. I happen to know Bil really only really wanted two kids. After Billy and Dolly, they had one of each, so I think he would have been satisfied with that. (Thelma doesn't know I know that, so -- discretion, please!)

I don't want to get involved where I'm not wanted, and P.J. and Jeffy are precious (even though Jeffy is doing so poorly in the points standings). So, I will just say that Bil's made his bed, now he has to lie in it (carefully please -- I don't want to have to keep track of any more children). That means not skipping pages when he reads to the kids. If he's so tired, he might try reading to two of the kids at a time. Or even all four.

Standings:

Billy 11
Dolly 7
P.J. 5
Jeffy negative 1

Broom Hilda Boutique--What A Fat Ass

2005-05-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

Oh, that menopausal bipolar babbling bitch! I wanted to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, but nooooooo. She had to stop by the boutique and see if they had any new bras and lingerie, and look what happens. What’s a buzzard to do? Hopefully we can go to Yankee Candle so I can get something aromatic and refreshing to light up after Broomie does her business in the toilet. God she’s a pig.

Did you see the way she yelled at me? I need to stand up to her more often. In general I’m weak-bodied and infirmed, and don’t have an opposable thumb to grip a pistol, but I do have a sharp beak and talons, and can fly. She should give me more respect!

It would be nice if she would get off her ass and shower or grocery shop every once in a while. Honestly. The house looks like a dungeon and everything she cooks gets burnt to a crisp. Most of the time we have chili with some meat of unknown origin. Moving about during the day would also help her shed some pounds. You would think a 1500 year old witch would realize that calories in have to less than calories burned to lose weight.

Now I’m depressed and upset. The last time I was like this was when I caught Broom Hilda in an orgy with the Knights Templar.

Gaylord T. Buzzard

Life in the Closet

2005-05-12T15:47:00.000-05:00

GOD DAMN IT!!! My wife came to the office again today. Doesn't she know enough not to come bother me in my place of work??? A wife's place is NOT the office!

Luckily, Bumstead hid me in the closet, but she figured that out. Speaking of "figure," I know a lot of people think my wife is an old battle axe. And, well, she does have linebacker shoulders, but otherwise? Chi chi chi! What a bod! She's got nice legs, and an hour glass figure. Just like one of my favorite movie stars, Rita Hayworth. Now there's a looker!

I told this story at my Rotary lunch today. My buddy wondered why Bumstead has a closet. I came to find out that people generally don't have closests in their offices. Huh. Also, I found out that most middle manager flunkeys (like Bumstead) don't even have OFFICES anymore. They have something called cubules or something. Apparently, these cubules are as small as Bumstead's closet. Boy, I need to re-consider Bumstead's office space. He's way too comfortable.

But if I moved him to a cubule, how would I hide from Cora? I guess I could stop doing things that make her mad, but how's that possible? She's a woman, and you never know what's going to set them off, you know?

Extreme Makeover, HQ Edition

2005-05-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

Do you like it??? Our HQ looks so boring, and now that it's spring, I thought it could use some sprucing up. It is so totally better now with the flowers and the bird bath. My favorite is the really pretty "Headquarters" sign. I made that special with a puffy pen I normally use to make spirit t-shirts! (GO CAMP SWAMPY! on the back, with a yellow ribbon on the front. They are majorly CUTE).

My boss was like totally freaked!! What a fuddy duddy! I so don't know what his problem is. Doesn't he want to work in a nice pretty place? What. Ever.

He told me I had to take most of it down, but I'm dragging my feet. What's he going to do, fire me? Do you know how hard it is to fire a civilian DOD employee?

XOXOX!! Hugs and kisses from Camp Swampy!

Cholesterol and BBQ In Bed

2005-05-11T15:05:00.000-05:00

Good Lord! What is a Buzzard to do? Here I am, trying to get some action, and Broom Hilda is BBQ’ing in bed? I mean really, I’m no neat freak, but ever since Broomie came into my life I have felt dirty. And I just bought some Ralph Lauren sheets! What a bitch.

She’s just beyond reason, yet I have to be hospitable because we’re living together.

I was concerned about my cholesterol and did some research. I think Hilda is definitely suffering from a poor diet, based on an ad I saw TV. She suffers from many of the symptoms listed: Irregular bowel movements, gas, fatigue, nausea and depression, nervous irritability, coated tongue, headaches, bad breath and body odor, a frequent bloated feeling and mental dullness.

She easily carries 40-50 lbs of a spare tire and fat ass all the time. And the food she eats…she’s sabotaging her system every minute of the day and night. In addition, she also has dense stools, that require lots of grunting to pass. And my God, we need a bonfire to eliminate the smell she leaves behind.

I love decaying food, especially when it starts to ferment and form gases. For most humans, these 2nd and 3rd generation toxins will kill you, but for some reason Broomie is still alive. I’ve tried to kill her by feeding her putrefactive bacteria, viruses, parasites, molds, and many other yucky materials. But to no avail.

Maybe if I can help her with a better diet our sex life will improve. Less time on the toilet should equal more time to indulge…right?

Land HOOOOOO doggies!

2005-05-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

To quote Steve Martin, well excUUUUUUSE...MEEEEEE!!! Hagar really pissed me off today, and you really shouldn't piss of a man who's holding a knife as big as his arm. Why did he piss me off? Because I fought with that fish for SIX HOURS while Hagar just sat there sulking about how his boat sunk and all 17 of his crew members drowned, except for me. Well pardon me, Gloomy Gus, but I'm trying to keep us alive here. That's why when I saw that big beautiful fish gleaming just under the surface of the water, I jumped in, knife in mouth (risking severe cuts and infection) and wrestled with it while doing my best to stab it repeatedly without letting go.

All the time I was doing this, Hagar just moaned and groaned about how this never happened to Atilla the Hun or Leif Ericsson. Maybe that's because they're not RETARDED! Did I even mention how our boat sunk in the first place? Hagar had a barrel of ale on board but was too dumb to remember to bring a tap, so he couldn't get drunk on the high seas like he usually does. First off, he's just not very responsible. I mean, I'm all for sitting at the pub a few nights a week and having a few beers, I mean, it really takes the edge off and helps me with my neuroticism. But Hagar will get stumble-around drunk while on his boat on the way to pillaging and plundering the castles of Scotland and have absolutely no remorse when he's passed out, piss-face drunk on the deck and his crew has to do all the looting nad plundering for him. And he doesn't even let us keep our bounty! Noooo, when he finally comes to he threatens to kill us all if we don't hand it over. Then usually he ends up dumping it all overboard when he opens up his second barrel of ale for the return trip home. I mean, honestly, have you ever seen him with any of this stuff he sails around the world to steal? My point exactly.

Well, I've gone on quite a diatribe here, but let me get back to my original story. So Hagar had no tap on his barrel of ale, so in a culminating moment of anger, denial, and sobriety he hoisted it over his head (he may be stupid, but he's very, very strong) and brought it down on the deck. Well, the trick worked--the ale came out of the barrel--but it promptly mixed with the water below because Hagar opened up one hell of a hole right there in the deck. Well, I'm the only Viking with enough foresight to take swimming lessons, and Hagar is just so fat that he floats without even trying to, so we were the only ones to survive. And now he's bitching about having to eat leftover fish!

I'm sorry, this has been quite a rant but I just really had to get it all off my chest. He's crying right now, too. You never see that side of him, do you? Well, luckily I've got some pills in my pocket that Dr. Zook gave me for moments like these. I swear, that guy's my best friend nowadays. I'll write again as soon as we find a way off this island.

How Does She Do It?

2005-05-09T17:19:00.000-05:00

Those poor bastards...mistaking Hilda for a little old lady. Most of the time I'll hear, "Is someone eating a shit sandwich or is Broom Hilda nearby?" You should see what she does to those poor suckers.

She's just too moody. If someone ignores her at a party she zaps them. If they don't courtesy flush...ZAP. Leave a dirty coffee stirrer on the counter...you got it: ZAP. It's just too much!

There comes a time when we grow old, and BH has to face it. One sign of this: we argue about everything, just like an old couple. Last night it was over silly things, like the minimum number of people required for an orgy. She claims more than three, and I say six, with at least one person playing a sitar. Thoughts? I digress.

How old do you think BH actually is?

Gaylord The Buzz

Bonk Ball?

2005-05-07T06:02:00.000-05:00

The last time she got the nerfball out she stuffed it in my mouth and raped me. I won't tell you what she did with a few rubber bands and popsicle sticks. She has no shame! The woman is from prehistoric times!

And why does Mr. Myers continue with this possum theme? How much longer must I wait till I get to eat him? Goodness. If that witch damages my meal I'll be quite upset.

She better hurry up...the possum also seems smart. Hopefully he doesn't know how to access my files, or he'll see the higher-ups that I'm blackmailing. I'm running a gay prostitution ring to make some cash on the side.

Gaylord The Buzzard

More coffee?

2005-05-05T18:59:00.000-05:00

Ah, yes. Seeing Broom Hilda give coffee to the possum reminds me of our trip to Australia years ago with my old drama troupe. We went on a hike (a bush walk, as they call it Down Under), to find kangaroos and possums. On the first night we broke out our torches (flashlights to all of us except for Broom Hilda, who actually had a wooden branch--has she always been this dumb?), but did not find any wildlife.

Anyway, as I was sipping my tea the next morning before dawn, I noticed two big eyes staring back at me...it was a possum! I was so excited that I threw down the muffin I was nibbling on, took to the skies, then swooped down and ate the son of a bitch! Bones and all!

That didn't go well with the troupe, since they wanted to preserve the wildlife instead of eating it, and they soon kicked me and Broomie out. BH got into trouble for fondling the underage boys...we were lucky they didn't call the local police.

So there she is bragging to the little ogre about her "natural skills" with animals, all the while giving the poor animal coffee. I don't like my animals drugged...last time she gave a small mammal some sedatives before serving it to me during the Oscars. I'll never forgive her. The contents in my colon suddenly turned to liquid and I made a mess all over the recliner. Damn her! It's not like she'll clean it up, either. She seems to love the filth.

Any suggestions on how to get Broomie to do her share? Washing a load of laundry would be nice.

Gaylord the Buzzard

Back When I was a Little Clown

2005-05-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

Well, Dolly's unfortunately going to lose a handful of points for this seemingly innocuous remark.
First: SHE is the one who thought up not stepping on cracks?? Are you kidding me? How could she try to take credit for something that is so clearly not something she thought up? Yeah, nice try, Al Gore. NEGATIVE 1

Second: Her remark made me think of when I was a child. And, well, as you can see, I was a strange looking child. I sort of looked like a clown (was it possible my mother was fucking a clown? Please pardon the expression, I understand it's an expression young people use). I had fluffy yellow clown hair and a clown-like way of dressing.

You may think this white, tightly set hair do is just something I have because it's"old lady hair." And, well, I haven't always had white hair, but have always had an old lady hairstyle.

So, NEGATIVE 1 for reminding me of my clown-like and old lady girlhood.

(Also, don't you think it's kind of funny how I pretty much look exactly like Dolly, except with a yellow afro, purple ribbon, and frillier clothes?).

Standings are:
Billy 11
Dolly 7
PJ 5
Jeffy negative 2

Previous "tenants!" Sheesh!

2005-05-03T21:13:00.000-05:00

Hi all!

"Dee" Patterson here, taking a quick "break" from the hustle and bustle of "moving" all of our stuff up one flight to our new digs. Soon as I finish this it's "off" to soak in my "new" bathtub with Sweet Savage Love and my new THREE setting pulse massaging showerhead!

Gosh, moving is tough and I regret to say it was made tougher by the thoughtless actions of the previous "tenants." You wouldn't believe the mess they "left" this place in! Now, I'd cleaned our old "apartment" from top to bottom, even making Michael get out of the Laz-E-Boy long enough for me to "vacuum" underneath. I expected the same basic "courtesy" from the upstairs people but did we get any? Heck no!

I was really "shocked." I didn't know them very well, just passed the little missus on the stairs now and then. Speaking of her, she had "strange" tastes in hairstyles. Now, I'm no fashion "maven" myself, but I do like to keep my bowl-cut neat. This woman must not have been taking "good" care of her hair because it seemed to all fall out! Never mind the "hair" I don't think she ever exercised. I passed her on the stairs once, she was just sitting there wearing a turban with a bag of groceries, clutching the bannister and gasping for "breath." On my way out the door I asked her why she was "just" sitting there and she mumbled something or other about "the treatments" causing a pernicious anemia.

Now folks, *I* am a pharmacist and I don't know WHAT the "heck" she was talking about. If you ask me she was -- well, I hate to say this -- using "some" illegal drugs of some sort. It would explain the ambulance that showed up here the night they "moved" out and why her husband was crying in the hallway as they put her on the "stretcher."

Anywho, those so-and-so's sure left this "place" in a real mess. There was even a bag of "garbage" on the floor all busted "open" with trash, even "bones" everywhere! It almost looks like it burst when the stretcher "ran" over it or something. I guess they must have "started" cleaning and then their little drug "party" got in the way. Sheesh!

Well, "the kids" are in bed and Mike's drinking beers with all the "guys" who did the heavy lifting. Off to relax in a hot bath with what I like to call my daily "pick-me-up" -- take care now!

"Dee"

No, I don't "get" it either

2005-05-03T06:20:00.000-05:00

RE: today's comic. No, I don't understand it either. I believe Davis meant it to be a "drool" (as opposed to "droll") joke.

More later.

yours,
Odie

Corporate Takeover of Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde

2005-05-02T21:10:00.000-05:00

Bumstead -- what a fucking waste of oxygen!! Can I say that here? I'm used to @*&%#!

I can't BELIEVE the short order cook from the dive across the street INTERRUPTED OUR MEETING!!! !*&$*&$@(@!

I was just getting to the heart of our PacMan Sales strategy, too! AND -- look at this picture of his desk! I went ahead and got him a computer with some of that fancy-dancy candy ass report creating programs I was asking about before.

He says it's not his fault -- that he didn't ask the guy to come up here. BULLSHIT! Don't mess with me Bumstead. You'll get hurt.

On another topic, I hear that we can use our computers to give presentations. Is this true?? The easel and posterboard works really well, I think. It does take a hell of a long time to get those pie charts and graphs looking good enough to present, but I'm not convinced a computer can do better.

This Week's Theme: Pain, Severe Pain.

2005-05-02T10:04:00.000-05:00

Dear readers. As you may have noticed, last week was 'food joke' week on Garfield, so I got the week off. We don't get the schedule in advance from Davis so I do not yet know when 'abuse the dumb dog' week begins. Garfield runs on an irregular rotation of weekly themes. There is 'food joke' week as well as 'Jon can't get a date', 'spider jokes', 'abuse the dog', 'Fat jokes/Garfield's diet', 'Mean Dog', etc., etc. This week it's "Garfield sleeps too much week". Personally I'm hoping next week is 'Garfield won't catch mice week' because I am still a bit sore from the last time I was kicked off of the kitchen table and the bruises have not yet entirely faded.

Please do not ask why I was on the kitchen table in the first place, Davis isn't big on backstories. I just was, that's all you need to know to appreciate the joke, such as it was. Personally, I think Davis was emotionally scarred by a 3 Stooges short when he was a child and is acting out through my character. Over the years I have learned that whenever he has a bad day ( such as when the other cartoonists at the Rueben Award tossed his trophy onto the roof) that I am due for a week of physical pain. It wouldn't be so bad if Davis wasn't so damn stingy with the health insurance! A $50 deductable is outragious!

Oh well, I can consul myself that at least I'm not fighting off wolves in Mark Trail. It's a well-hidden secret that Elrod has gone through 4 different "Andy's" in the past two years alone!

Yours, Odie.

Outnumbered 10 to 1?? Nuts to that!

2005-05-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really all that concerned when Hagar said it would be the bloodiest battle of our lives...he ALWAYS says that. He says that when someone at the pub challenges us to a game of darts. He tells me that even when he drags me fishing with him. Then when he catches a little snapper he says it's the biggest, fattest, smelliest, ugliest fish he's ever caught. He's just overly dramatic. I don't fault him for that. But if there's one thing Hagar doesn't exaggerate, it's numbers. The guy can barely count as it is, so he's just happy when he thinks he's got his numbers right. For all I know we would have been outnumbered by more than that, because he can only count to ten with his shoes on.

Well let me tell you something, sister, I'm sick of fighting in battles where we're outnumbered ten-to-one, twenty-to-one, or even one hundred-to-one! Let HAGAR come home with tons of arrows in his shield and helmet! And why can't we get in a battle where WE outnumber the enemy? Just a big bloody slaughter where we don't have to do a whole lot of work. Is that too much to ask? Why can't we just get a hundred of our closest friends together and ambush a couple dozen Viking wannabes at the bottom of some valley while they sleep? Oy, I think that headache I was talking about is coming on. I'm going to go light some aromatherapy candles and lie in the tub for an hour or so. Hold my calls.

"Husbands!" Sheesh!

2005-05-01T07:52:00.000-05:00

Hi all!

Allow me to "introduce" myself -- I'm Deanna "Dee" Patterson, loving "wife" of Michael Patterson, SuperMommy to Meredith and Robin Patterson and career gal! Although my "career" of late involves more prying petrified cheerios off furniture than dispensing valuable advice about how to switch birth "control" methods at the pharmacy!

Raising "kids" is a joy and a challenge -- and thanks to my husband, it's often more challenge than joy! Take today, for instance. Mike took "Merrie" out for the day so I could relax in the tub with a new romance novel and the massaging showerhead but my hour of bliss was cut short when Mike and Merrie came home early. Turns out that silly "husband" of mine had bought our toddler daughter, who is still developing good sense and motor control, the equivalent of a rock on a string! Sheesh! What "was" he thinking? There's a reaon why the Aboriginal Peoples of "Australia" used the gosh-darned thing to hunt with, didn't he realize that?

Well, he sure got a lesson in what not to buy her when she gave him a black eye with it. As I tended to his injured face with salt, boric acid and lemon juice (pharmacy school taught me a thing or two!) I reminded him about how "ironic" it was, since he was the one who said we should never give weapons to "the kids" whereas I have always maintained that if you criminalize weapons for kids only criminal kids will have weapons!

Oh well, I guess that's all a part of being married and raising "kids" -- compromise. As with everything in life, I look to my wonderful mother-in-law Elly as a role model in how to deal with such things. My selfish harridan of a mother is "useless" for such things -- she would have used cold compresses on Mike eye and distracted Merrie while quiety disposing of the yo-yo. Can you imagine? Instead, I did what Elly would do -- passively-agressively letting Mike know how upset I was by refusing to talk to him directly and using Merrie as a go-between.

I could go on and on, but it's time to make "dinner." Off to tell Merrie to tell her dad that if he wants to eat he'd better come to the table now!

Until next time,

"Dee"

Some Enchanted Evening

2005-04-29T06:28:00.000-05:00

What has become of me?

I just wanted to be an actor, but Hilda claimed to be pregnant while I was at drama school in Wales, and now I'm stuck with the ugly bitch. She embarrases me everyday, and I'm tired of looking at her blubbery body. I'm a graceful buzzard, but have plummeted in my social standing because of the once dazzling but now pompous BH.

In college, she packed most of that fat in her ass, which turned me on to no end. But now look at her! I can't take her to our swinger's club because none of the other buzzards (or hawks for that matter) will take her. I've wanted to swing with the Rockin' Robins for months...

Maybe we can try square dancing tonight.

Can anyone help me out?

Gaylord

Love in the Time of Idiots

2005-04-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

The ironic thing is, it's a romance novel that got me here in the first place. Oh, it was a wonderful book -- The Lord of the Blitz. He was a dashing RAF pilot, she was the secretary at his air base. They fell madly in love, but what she didn't know was that he was actually the seventh Lord of Devonshire. He survived the war, they got married, and lived happily ever after.

Well! I just knew I had to meet a military man myself. I love a man in uniform! ;-) Unfortunately, the pickings are kind of slim here at Camp Swampy. Killer, the guy you see here, is probably the best of the bunch. And even he is a kind of a greasy cross between Rhett Butler and Fonzie. (*Sigh* Rhett Butler -- was there ever a dreamier war profiteer? LOL!)

So I keep reading my romance novels and hope one day the man of my dreams shows up here at Camp Swampy. He can take me in his arms, and lean my head against his muscular chest . . . I will feel his turgid member and know his desire for me . . . Ahhhh . . .

Well, GTG! Lt Fuzz is here with his monthly paperclip report. He could be kinda cute if he just loosened up a bit :-)

XOXO! Hugs and Kisses from Campy Swampy!

thank you for inviting me.

2005-04-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

First off I would like to thank Big Al for giving me this forum to express myself. I sincerely hope that I will be able to contribute to this blog in a constructive manner. As any longtime reader of “Garfield” is aware, my dialog in that comic is normally limited to assorted barks, cries, and whimpers, not to mention the frequent pratfall. However, as a wise man once noted, “every dog has his day” or, in this case, his blog. I will be silent no longer! While keeping in mind the words of Isabel Allende, “Nunca pierdas la oportunidad de callarte la boca.“ I shall use this opportunity to express myself freely and perhaps to shine a light behind the dark curtain covering the cesspool that is “Garfield.” To paraphrase Bette Davis: "Buckle up; it's going to be a bumpy ride."

Odie

The Points System

2005-04-27T11:10:00.000-05:00

Dolly can be a bit of a kiss-ass, I know, but you've got to give her points for trying. So, minus one point for kissing ass, but plus three points for sitting in my lap and "reiminiscering" about yesterday. Reminiscering! Ha -- don't children say the cutest things?

Regarding the points: I have four grandchildren, but I am on a fixed income, so I do need some way of "ranking" them when it comes time for gift giving. Come Christmas, the child with the most points gets the best gifts! It's a great system, and has been working out quite well for me.

So, Dolly nets 2 points today. The current standings are:

Billy - 10
Dolly - 9
P.J. - 5
Jeffy - negative 2

(yes, you can get negative points.) I think there's something wrong with Jeffy. Poor thing, but we can't have any children with difficulties in the Keane family, nosiree bob! Looks like Jeffy may not be getting that Star Wars lego set unless he shapes up right quick.

I considered docking Dolly for saying a word, "reminiscering," that, in the strictest sense, does not exist in the English language. But, it was cute, so negative one point for an incorrect word, plus one point for being cute.

Let it Snow, Let it . . . OW! That hurts!

2005-04-26T18:27:00.000-05:00

I thought it sounded like a pretty good idea when I said it, but it soon hit me that neither myself nor Hagar are Christian, but instead worship Norse gods who I'm sure are very angry with me right now. Maybe not as angry as Hagar was with me, though; he looks pretty relaxed and maybe even a little drunk in the pictures but he was beating me with his helmet just moments afterwards. The only thing you can do when Hagar goes on one of his violent tirades is curl yourself up into a ball and try to cover all your sensitive parts. The bad thing is that those horns on Hagar's helmet can usually find your sensitive parts no matter what you do.

So eventually he got tired and passed out, then I crawled out into the snow (it's still very cold here in Norway) and laid there for about an hour or so until I gathered the energy to write this letter using the machine the men from the future brought me. But that's a story for another time. Right now I have to go see Dr. Zook because I'm getting low on my depression medication and because I've got some SERIOUS swelling going on around my neck and shoulders. I only pray that Hagar doesn't remember the Christmas comment when he comes to...

Is there something better than an adding machine?

2005-04-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

My troublesome employee was acting up again. I had some reports that I needed finished, and it was taking him FOREVER to add the numbers. I threatened him with a pink slip, and he got right on it!

I do need some advice, though. I was complaining about this incident to the guy sitting next to me at the Rotary Club lunch. He mentioned some computer program? Accelerate? Axel? Accel? Excellent? Anyway, apparently, you could enter all your documents into this program, creating a spreadpage (is that the right word he used, maybe it was spreadsheet?). Then, you could get the computer to automatically add a column or do any number of mathematical functions.

Has anyone heard of this program? Does it work well? I think the adding machines work just great. We've had them for 50 years now, and I don't see what the problem is. I mean, there's no way to go back and correct mistakes. So, if you have to add up 1,000 numbers, but make a mistake at the 713th number, you have to start all over again. Still, what am I paying people for? They should be more careful when they enter numbers in, and besides, if I get this computer program, it sounds like the computer will do all the work. What would be the purpose of the employee?

But according to my rotary friend, this program will also create reports? Things that could be printed and used in the place of long rolls of adding machine paper? That just ends up as trash anyway.

He also mentioned that computers come with calculators. So, even if we don't get this program, we probably don't need the adding machine. Hmmmmm. I'm not so sure about that. Can you imagine an office without an adding machine?? Ha ha.

Any advice on this is appreciated.

He's Back?

2005-04-26T02:38:00.000-05:00

Oh, no, don't tell me that Hagar is back in town. He had better have brought me some good plunder this time. Otherwise I'm going to start calling him Hagar the Hindrance. I should have married Erik the Egregious... there's a man who knows his plunder.

Hello, Valhalla!

2005-04-25T23:58:00.000-05:00

Hello, all you Norsemen and Valkyries! I just rowed in from Norway, and boy are my arms tired! ...Seriously, Hagar is a slave-driver! I wish I'd stop being so lucky and just get killed in battle, already!

Gaylord In 'Da House. Or Nest. Or Enchanted Forest. Whatever.

2005-04-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

My poop has been very white and grainy...I think I need to drink more water and make out with Hilda.

Gaylord